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i realize now, i was so suppressed when i was a "teen" that i am desperately trying to live out a life i would have had then now, when i should be more of an adult.
it's not that i care, or am concerned, i'm just realizing it, and how fucked up and brainwashed i used to be. i blame others, but i still blame myself.
and wonder what it would have been like to have fun, have boyfriends, friends, parties- and not just for the sake of popularity or beer but fun, and just, the norms most kids take for granted that i ostracized myself from. its not that its the only way to live, but i really did purposefully push away from a life i somewhere inside me wanted, b/c of how i was brainwashed and unable to be myself. i'm still unable to be myself, but i'm realizing the little truths about myself.
oh well, if i live to be 40, i'll guess i'll be a crazy cougar who smokes too much pot and plays too many vgs. no problems with that. =) | | |
| i want to be the real me.
the one i dumped in the trash, what feels like eons ago.
i was a child.
i was a fool.
i wanted to "fit in".
but even losing those childish notions now, the damage has been done.
my real self is not in that trash.
and the dump is full of so many broken souls, i feel i'll never find myself.
i'm jealous that everyone else has a self but me.
i wish i could say there's hope for me, but i get so much bullshit from the world, i'm not gonna feed myself more lies.
it'd be nice to be that happy, laughing girl on the street corner one of these days, if only for a moment.
it's sad: to be lacking so much that you can't get the simple things. the easiest things. like saying "hello", or being genuine. it's sad when you know who you are, what you were, but can't get back there, and forgot how to even face the world at all, so you hide in your hole in the wall, cowering in the filth of television reruns and dusty old comic strips.
and i asked god, i begged and pleaded, assuring him i'd believe in his non-existant ass if he'd just send me back some measly 4 yrs to undo the past, can you believe the devil didn't even meet me on this either? i guess i'll need the big guns, zues, i'm coming for you.
and i just want relief.
and, and, and to NOT belong, in the right sort of way.
in the way my mind wants.
to have my life, but in the way i want it.
and not be this fucking quitter.
i'll run away.
((not a joke i might))
i just wish i had someone worth running with, to, for.
myself will have to do.
the only thing i've ever truly loved.
i'm a selfish bloated whore.
the gods will punish me one day, when they can catch up to me, though i cannot fathom what they are waiting for.
i need the escape.
the adrenaline.
happiness in death.
death in ecstasy.
i just want the rush of being alive, even if i put my whole being in danger.
it's better than living an eternity of emptiness and hollow eyes staring back pleading, but never answered.
it's not that hard to understand.
i'm trapped.
i may seem perfect from the outside, the life everyone would wish for, but if you had to face it, you'd want out too.
i don't care if i have it all, because i really have nothing, if i am nothing.
and be certain: I AM NOTHING.
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| i'm trying really hard to get a job, and figure out my schooling, but everythings shit for me.
apparently we paid wrong, so i gotta do all this shit to get back into classes, let alone how much work is involved in EVERY class, and i'm only in three, i can't believe i transferred into a HARDER school. that's just my life.
and the job market is slim pickings, and i've never had a job, b/c no one will hire someone with no experience, see the fucking catch 22 here?!!
and i really don't care.
i'm beginning to doubt whether i can really make a career in art, objectively and not fishing for compliments...i'm really not all that good, especially to make it in the industry. i really don't know. my life is going no where and i really and seriously want to run away. we'll see.
REVERSE THINSPO:
((shows that even when they are trying to be cute and fashionable, they are grotesque and a disgusting image to behold.)) | | |
| sick.
hoping i can sleep soon.
classes for all semester, every weekday at 8.
i don't think i can stay here, but i don't think i can go back. i'm trapped and just want to die. i'm trying to find pills, i might buy some online, i'm that desperate. i just need to feel happiness for a few hours of my life.
and not want to die.
that's all i've been feeling lately.
but on a lighter note, i want HIM more than anything else.
i'd get thin, just to bag a guy like this. mannnn.
haven't purged today, my throats way to raw anyways. smokings not helping. oh well. i want to die, it's helping me along the way. =)
i'll try to have a better intake tomm. i rather not post mine today.
hope everyone elses day was better than mine. =\ | | |
| already had a mini binge. weird.
and my body naturally purged half of it with no finger in the throat.
i'm just letting it sit in there, cause i haven't been eating. so what.
i binged last night too, but before that i haven't been eating so i dunno.
i don't want to have an eating disorder, and i keep telling myself i don't, but i guess maybe i do. denial means you have a problem, only sometimes. >.>
mike is back at college.
i'm already regretting staying home this semester b/c my sister is already giving me shit. i can't believe i willingly stayed. i thought it'd be better here, but it's already worse. i hope i can meet people and get pills, i've been wanting some opiates for over a month and dying. i almost never want to smoke pot b/c i'll binge half the fucking time. i'm not even trying to loose weight now, i just want to be healthy, but we all know that'll never happen. =\
weigh in at: 140.4
god that's disguisting. but who cares right now? | | |
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